I went to my first Pilates class in a long time last week. Swimsuit season is coming, people, and I don't need that kind of rejection. What I do need is some muscle tone. So off I went to the gym, to pay for my many, many sins.
I decided to be very virtuous and do an hour of weights before class. I actually love weights. Not that I'm any sort of a power-lifter (nor do I want to be), but it does feel good to work muscles that can get overlooked by walking and hiking. So I was feeling pretty good as I went upstairs to class.
There was already a crowd waiting for the Zumba class to be done. This is good, I thought. Popular class! I noticed one girl near me waiting. She had a tattoo down the entire length of her right calf which fascinated me. I wanted to get a good look at it to see what it was, but I didn't want to be rude and stare. So I got my mat and got situated as I watched her go to the front of the room.
With a bright smile, she announced that she was a last-minute sub for the regular Pilates teacher. She told us she preferred to run a more advanced class, but we could modify it to our particular level of fitness. Fair enough...
THEN SHE DONNED THE MICROPHONE. And turned from Tattooed-Calf Lady to she who will henceforth and evermore be known to me as Ratchett the Wretched.
O.M.G. This woman made us do things that no human being should have to do. Or hold for 30 seconds. Or then pulse for 50 reps. And then do at a more intense level. For an HOUR. My butt and stomach were screaming at me to stop. And Ratchett is smiling. Vee have vays of making you talk....(scream, groan, beg for mercy - depending on your level of fitness, remember). I swear she was trying to kill us all. My butt was laying odds that she would succeed. She would periodically ask us how we were doing. Half the class (including the men) would groan. The other half were incapable of conversation. I settled on throwing invisible hate bombs in her direction. It required less effort on my part.
People started getting up and leaving. Ratchett smiled a puzzled smile and actually commented, "Well, look at that! I'm losing some people!" Um, yeah, YA THINK?!? I'm only here out of sheer stubborness and a nagging uncertainty that I could outrun you at this point!
That was a long hour, people. The survivors straggled out the door and down to the locker room. I walked past a mirror and saw my hair had EXPLODED into a mass of curls that stood out a good six inches from my face. Damn her. Sigh. I'm gonna do some yoga and kick back tonight. Because I've got a killer spin class on Wednesday night. All I can say is that swimsuit had better look damn good this summer.
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